When I was 16, I wished to read Friedrich Nietzsche's *Also sprach Zarathustra* because that figure of Nietzsche intrigued me. I saw philosophy not as much as people talking about smart things, but building a narrative, weaving together ideas so you could believe in them. My parents refused to get that book, citing 'twould be too much of a difficult read. So instead I asked for Socrates, little did I know, Socrates never wrote books. Instead there was Plato.

This well known philosopher Πλάτων was not something I expected. He did not assert ideas for you to believe in, he never even spoke in the first person. The characters in his book *Republic* spoke from their understanding about topics as varied as sex, afterlife and education system. I was captivated by all the ideas, they were just so intriguing. I kept devouring the book, approaching the end of it. The ideas flowed through my mind, I wished to find the answer to all the questions raised. Then came the last chapter, the last pages, where Socrates spoke of a story of a man who went to afterlife and came back with knowledge of supreme justice. That ending, that mythical [set stone](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonesetting) puzzled me. Of course, the story connected the previously expressed ideas in an elegant and quite a visual matter, myth of Er aside, there was this sense of puzzlement and restlessness.

A feeling of never being fully content with what I have is still present. As I kept encountering various ideas, from the fringe theories of the [sun being a planet](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_City_of_the_Sun) to the 20th century [interpretation](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Kybalion) of [Hermes Trismegistus](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hermes_Trismegistus). So many various ideas kept filling my head, until... I couldn't take it anymore.

The constant tugging from different sides caused me to become restless. I couldn't find peace in any of the ideas, it was impossible. To admit of one being true, would mean rejecting the other. So I had to pick a side. And I did. I chose those that spoke that the truth was hidden, obscured from me. 'Twas easier to believe that I've been lied to and embrace the **truth**. For some time I was gratified with what I believed in. 

As I pursued more and more information, searching for the truth that's hidden from me, I read of allegations that the *truth* I held was in actually a manipulation. The critics used the same language that lead me to embrace the new worldview, to shake its foundation. So then, again, I started doubting everything I believed in. This time, I knew, I knew, the path of dogma wouldn't lead me far. I just embraced the doubt, I let it envelop my entire body. Like Sailor Moon in the most popular 2003 adaptation of 美少女戦士セーラームーン *[Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon (2003 TV series)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pretty_Guardian_Sailor_Moon_(2003_TV_series))* I [transformed](https://inv.nadeko.net/watch?v=Qvlcf1WgpK4). 

Embracing the dichotomy and juxtaposition of the various forms of thought no longer put me in such unbearable tension, nor did it completely, as did the dogmatic worldview. The former is like a very tense string, it makes a harsh sound and breaks easily. While the latter barely makes any sound and the one it does is very soft and weak. Neither is applicable to music, same way, neither mentality is worthwhile in my case. Instead, I have core beliefs, I'm willing to change, but still allow different ideas to coexist within me. In such a way, the string of the mind is neither too tense nor too loose. Such a way I'm able to see both worldviews at the same time. 

It must be said, such a stance is the most difficult. The mind seeks stability, embracing one worldview, one set of vocabulary, one set of virtues. 'Tis like being on top of a hill. On one side there's the stance that there's only a single way to look at the world, a single and correct worldview. On the other, there's the perspective that all is relative, there is no truth and the best stance is to always doubt yourself and everyone. As I go day by day, I lean to one or another side. Sometimes there are slips and I must climb to the top of the hill. A hill with a very steep peak. So I live in this constant battle to never neither too ideological, nor too schizophrenic. 

Such a stance forces me to confront various ideas, it forces me to not be depressive about the world, nor ignorant of its darkness. It forces me to think and it always keeps me mentally young, always ready face a different problem. In a way its a more balanced form of [mental gymnastics](https://blenderdumbass.org/articles/How_Much_Money_Am_I_Losing). 

*Fin.*