I'm Still Alive

Blender Dumbass
August 27, 2024

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https://blenderdumbass.org/articles?page=2 : 👁 1
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As I said previously in another article I am in a very bad position financially. To the point that back when I wrote it I believed that I might actually be dead. Later I wrote an update that didn't work much as an update, because it was more a philosophical piece about how I want to get out my problems ( as in how do I justify trying to get out of my problems ). So I hope I will not diviate this time around from actually writing an update.

Good News

Let's start with some good news. I did find a job. It is nothing special. A minimum wage job at a supermarket. It should be enough. Minimum wage in my country is about $9 per hour. Which, if I don't skip working days, must provide me with double of my monthly needs. The annoying part about this job ( as a cashier again ) is that I see a lot of food and a lot of money, while not having any of it. That sucks a bit.

About the rent, my dad found the money and paid it this month. Next month I should be able to pay it on my own. I mean, I already worked enough days to pay it and have food. At this point of the month I'm working for extra, which is not very much an extra if you read my Justification of Money article. I think I can't get enough money on this job to suttisfy my reasons there.

Bad News

I can't pay my internet connection. And to be frank I don't want to bother with it. So for 2 weeks I will have no internet at all. People could call me, because I have a dumb phone that cannot call. But that's about it.

At the moment of me writing it I obviously have internet. Which is how I was able to publish this article. But I believe that from tomorrow it will no longer be. And it will no longer be untill I get paid, in about 2 weeks from now.

There is a problem with all this. I set up an unlock page for Dani's Race 08-08-24 which should make Dani's Race 08-08-24 availble to download when Moria's Race on Madiator's Peertube gets 20 comments. The way it works is that the file is not yet online. And it will be automatically uploaded only when a script on my computer will check the API of peertube and see that indeed the video got 20 comments. Meaning, from tomorrow, for the next 2 weeks it will not be possible. So you only have today to unlock it. Frankly, if you can comments on the video ( for which you need any ActivityPub account ), you can comment more than ones. So please try to unlock it today.

Plans

I don't like planning too much ahead because rarely anything works as planned. I like to have targets, with a very loose plan. Like for Moria's Race the target was "Make a short film about kids driving cars". And the plan was the script and general knownledge of "today I will sit and make some of it" for 3 and a half years.

I want to return the money to my dad. Thought it could be impossible. There is a scene in a Greta Gerwig movie "Lady Bird" that illustrates preciselly why. The main character argues with the parents about something which leads her to ask them for a sum of money equvilent to all the trouble they've spent raising her, so she could be finally free from them. The parents though realistically observe that she never will be able to afford it. So I don't know how to be about it. Should I be in a constant sorrow over the last few months. Because I can't return anything. Or I should I try at least. By I don't know, giving my parents and my brothers and a sister ( from whom I took to survive ) something in return, like a present or two. Would that be enough? Or I am going to feel guilty for the rest of my life?

I was thinking about buying something like a good pare of headphones. Not too expensive, but by a nice brand. Like Marshalls Major III ( cabled ) or something. To each of the my family. Which would be like 8 ones. And that will require me to work for 2 months. Maybe even 3. And will still not feel like something good enough.

Should I just give everybody a banknote? Or a stack of cash? How long should I work for it? How much cash? AAAAAA!

I guess I am in a perpetual guiltiness now. Which is better than death, perhaps. And my goal now, I suppose is not to feel any more guilty than I am already feeling. Which means not to get into troubles like the ones I had, so that somebody else will feel like needing to help me.

Happy Hacking!!!