Ballerina 2025 did what Spy Kids should have but couldn't
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by Blender Dumbass
Aka: J.Y. Amihud. A Jewish by blood, multifaceted artist with experience in film-making, visual effects, programming, game development, music and more. A philosopher at heart. An activist for freedom and privacy. Anti-Paternalist. A user of Libre Software. Speaking at least 3 human languages. The writer and director of the 2023 film "Moria's Race" and the lead developer of it's game sequel "Dani's Race".
When I reviewed Havoc I wrote about this strange feeling that I dubbed "short orgasmic blackout" when I see a stupidly serious, angry face of a female character that is really cute. And one of the most cutest actors living these days is fucking Ana de Armas. Let me illustrate. We see young Victoria Comte playing Eve ( the main character ) while being 11 ( Comte was born in 2013, do the math ), and then the film says "12 years later" so now she is 23. Yet de Armas playing her is 36 ( at the time of filming ). She plays somebody almost half her age and it works. Why? She is fucking cute! That's why. And because of that I knew I was probably getting the "short orgasmic blackout" the movie. ↩ Reply
Victoria Comte is also fucking cute. And while I would love Les Wiseman to go the extra route and show her also be super angry and serious ( which we almost get ), instead the movie does something I did not expect with her. Something that even Robert Rodriguez does not have the balls to do. ↩ Reply
My main issue with Rodriguez's Spy Kids movies is that due to them being basically forced to be PG, the spy stuff kids do in these movies is always kind of weak. Like yeah, you will get gadgets and chase scenes. And all of that is super cool. But you never get to see a kid pull the trigger and murder a bad guy. ↩ Reply
Balerina being R actually can allow itself to do something like this. And it does. In the opening action scene, where Eve's father is trying to save Eve from the bad guys, a situation comes, where Eve needs to get out of her hiding spot, pickup a gun from the floor and murder one of the bad guys. And it rocks! Like I jumped from excitement and yelled "YES!!!". ↩ Reply
Actually if you think about it Matthew Vaughn did more than that in Kick Ass, where he gave 13 year old Chloë Grace Moretz a whole action scene, where she shoots a lot of bad guys, and kills more of them in other kick-ass ways. So there is still room for improvement when it comes to Balerina. ↩ Reply
Les Wiseman ( the director ) is known for action films with female action stars. Specifically the Underworld series. Those are not so great films, with descent action. But unlike Underworld de Armas in Balerina is not wearing leathery fetish tights. ↩ Reply
There is one action scene where she wears a dress, giving Wiseman way too many opportunities for up-skirt shots of de Armas. And he does take, like every single opportunity there. Like, come-on man, jerk off or something before coming to the set. ↩ Reply
Yet in the rest of the movie de Armas is wearing these clothes for cold weather, covering her up so much that Wiseman cannot make any pornography from it. Which is good actually. It kind of works similarly to Tarantino's Kill Bill, specifically the Crazy 88 fight, where the bride is wearing this Bruce Lee inspired yellow pajamas that are specifically non-sexual. ↩ Reply
I don't think this "short orgasmic blackout" thing that I'm having lately from movies, would even work from a sexy scene. The time it happened the strongest in this film ( apart from that part where an 11 year old Eve shoots the bad guy ) is when Eve uses a metal door as a blast shield. She is wearing a full coat and stuff. Yet the face she makes and how cute ( naturally to de Armas ) the face is, in combination, makes this so good. Is this shit my Tarantino's feet? Am I just describing you my new fetish or something? It doesn't feel sexual. But it does feel visceral. ↩ Reply
Actually wait a second. There a sequence where de Armas is using a flame-thrower to kill a bunch of bad guys at once. Her face in that scene was even stronger. I mean technically the whole fucking movie gives me this "short orgasmic blackout". It just some parts of it work better than others. ↩ Reply
Thinking of similar films, I don't remember having it from Kill Bill or the Underworld movies or something like Sucker Punch. In Kill Bill Uma Thurman is just not really cute. She's more regularly sexy. And while Tarantino is trying to cover her sexiness up, maybe because there is nothing left there, there is no more visceral emotional shit there to have. I mean she is a good actress and the movie is good. And maybe that was the point of not-sexualizing her. But it doesn't SOB me. ↩ Reply
In Sucker Punch and Underworld the women are sexualized. The whole Sucker Punch works almost like a soft pornography movie. And Wiseman almost fucked it up here too, with that dress sequence and all those up-skirt shots. Yet then when de Armas is covered up and you are not thinking about her body, only her face is left. And her face is fucking amazing! She is so baby-faced, that maybe some paternal instinct is kicking into action causing a mix of chemicals in the brain to fire all rapidly, when you see her do shit very angrily and with dedication. And that is what causes the SOB. ↩ Reply
Wiseman is a good action director. He knows how to use the camera. He knows how to design set-pieces. And the movie's action is actually kind of good. I mean it got to be good to be in a John Wick universe. I don't think Wiseman is good with actors. Underworld acting is something very strange. But here ( perhaps because the cast is a bit better ) the acting works for the most part. There were a few very obvious ADR shots. Maybe they had to change something story-wise in the editing room. It is unclear. ↩ Reply
The movie is good and I enjoyed it a lot. It was worth the gamble. And I think I need to go see a therapist to understand what this blackout bullshit is all about. ↩ Reply
Happy Hacking!!! ↩ Reply
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Troler
c:0Could the "short orgasmic blackout" be a means of relieving stress? You were in a high-stress situation not that long ago
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Blender Dumbass
c:1@Troler I doubt it. It was happening to me even back in 2017 ( with Transformers 5 ). I just notice it more often these days. It is possible that it is due to changing standards of body perception. Like back in 2000s and 2010s a lot of those female action stars were thin hot babes. Today they allow more bodytypes to be in those movies. de Armas is not technically a thin hot babe. She is more of a cute woman. She isn't fat. But isn't slim either. Maybe that helps her to be perceived by my monkey brain as somehow more baby-like.
Blender Dumbass
c:1... c:0
@Troler I doubt it. It was happening to me even back in 2017 ( with Transformers 5 ). I just notice it more often these days. It is possible that it is due to changing standards of body perception. Like back in 2000s and 2010s a lot of those female action stars were thin hot babes. Today they allow more bodytypes to be in those movies. de Armas is not technically a thin hot babe. She is more of a cute woman. She isn't fat. But isn't slim either. Maybe that helps her to be perceived by my monkey brain as somehow more baby-like.
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