INT. METAPHORICAL ROOM OF POLITICAL DISCUSSION. DAY AND NIGHT.
c:1
Enter DEMOCRATICUS. He looks like the husband of whoever it is sculpted into the Statue of Liberty. Publicus is there waiting for him.
DEMOCRATICUS
In this world each Publicus is equal. We all have the same rights and obey the same laws, that enforce our rights.
PUBLICUS
Welcome, Democraticus. You truly speak the words of wisdom.
Enter ADOLFUS. He has a very stupid mustache right in the center of his face.
ADOLFUS
Giving Publicus equal rights makes the position of me, Adolfus, uninteresting, Democraticus. How am I suppose to enjoy being the ruler, if the people I rule are equal to me?
PUBLICUS
You are evil.
c:2
ADOLFUS
No I'm not.
DEMOCRATICUS
Yes you are. Publicus are, and should always be - equal.
ADOLFUS
Ah... How about... ah... I don't know. Order?
DEMOCRATICUS
What?
ADOLFUS
What would scare the criminals from crime if there is no gun pointing at them from above?
DEMOCRATICUS
And who would stop the one pointing the gun from committing the crime?
ADOLFUS
Here, you see, you just made an illogical situation. A catch 22, Democraticus. Or you just like criminals too much. While what I say is: let's allow some people to break the law, so they could be the ones with the guns to stop the criminals. No logic broken.
c:3
DEMOCRATICUS
You are evil.
c:2
ADOLFUS
Stop calling me evil, you, son of a bitch.
DEMOCRATICUS
What did you call me?
ADOLFUS
You, son of a bitch!
DEMOCRATICUS
Fuck you, Adolfus!
ADOLFUS
Fuck you!
And Democraticus and Adolfus fought a war. In which Democraticus won, because Publicus liked Democraticus more than they liked Adolfus. So Publicus fought alongside Democraticus. Adolfus didn't stand a chance.
c:4
But little did they know, Adolfus didn't die. He changed his name to ENSHITTIFICATUS. And came back years later to try again.
Enter COMPUTICUS. A person with big glasses and a buttoned shirt.
DEMOCRATICUS
Hello, there, Computicus.
COMPUTICUS
Hi.
DEMOCRATICUS
Please, tell us about yourself.
COMPUTICUS
I'm a son of Mathematicus and Electronicus. I'm on a quest to find Publicus.
PUBLICUS
I'm right here. Why do you need me?
COMPUTICUS
My parents set me on the quest to be useful to you, my lord, Publicus.
PUBLICUS
What a gentleman. I love you, Computicus.
c:5
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Pss..
Everybody got confused for a second. They cannot see where the sound came from.
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Pss... Computicus?
COMPUTICUS
Yes, who is it?
ENSHITTIFICATUS
I know what you need to do, Computicus, to be useful for Publicus.
COMPUTICUS
Who is it?
Enter Enshittificatus. It is Adolfus with a cheap paper mask that looks like 💩.
c:6
ENSHITTIFICATUS
I'm your friend, Computicus. I'm your friend as well, Publicus and Democraticus. You're might together defeated the evil, evil Adolfus. But I've been overseas and overseas I saw something worse than Adolfus.
DEMOCRATICUS
What did you see?
ENSHITTIFICATUS
I saw Communismus.
PUBLICUS
What is it?
ENSHITTIFICATUS
You don't want to know. Their Publicus, they call it - Comradicus, wanted to be equal, like you, Publicus. But they allowed Communismus to take charge at trying to make this happen. He pretends to help Comradicus, while in reality he is as bad as Adolfus.
DEMOCRATICUS
Oh no.
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Yes. Unfortunately, yes. Comradicus was tricked into serving the Communismus. But I know how to prevent it here. Computicus?
COMPUTICUS
Yes.
ENSHITTIFICATUS
You said you are the son of Mathematicus?
COMPUTICUS
Yes, I am.
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Therefore you are the brother of Capitalismus?
c:7
COMPUTICUS
Yes, unfortunately, Capitalismus is my brother.
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Why unfortunately? As far as I know Capitalismus hates Communismus.
COMPUTICUS
Does he?
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Yes. To pretend that Communismus cares for their Comradicus, they kicked Capitalismus out. Now Capitalismus is very angry on Communismus. We should invite Capitalismus. And work together to defeat the evil, evil Communismus.
PUBLICUS
Maybe, he's right?
DEMOCRATICUS
You say, Enshittificatus, that this Communismus only pretends to care for Comradicus?
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Yes, only pretends.
DEMOCRATICUS
I suppose I hate Communismus myself then. This is awful.
ENSHITTIFICATUS
The enemy of your enemy is your friend, Democraticus. Let's invite Capitalismus.
c:8
Enter Capitalismus. It is a puppet in the hand of Enshittificatus. But because Enshittificatus wears a mask, we don't see him talk when Capitalismus talks. So we believe that Capitalismus is its own entity.
c:9
CAPITALISMUS
Alright. I know what we need to do. Publicus?
PUBLICUS
Yes?
CAPITALISMUS
You want to have good life, don't you?
PUBLICUS
Yes!
CAPITALISMUS
Well, I know how to make it work, without making DEMOCRATICUS mad.
DEMOCRATICUS
What? Why should I be mad?
A moment of awkward silence.
CAPITALISMUS
You want people to be equal, right?
DEMOCRATICUS
Yes. That's is the idea.
CAPITALISMUS
Well, how about giving all Publicus an equal opportunity to live as well as the Publicus wants? Sound good?
PUBLICUS
Sounds good!
DEMOCRATICUS
Equal opportunity?
CAPITALISMUS
Yes.
DEMOCRATICUS
Okay... Let's hear what you have to say.
CAPITALISMUS
Let's pretend that there is this thing called Copyrighticus. We can then pair Computicus with Copyrighticus.
COMPUTICUS
What does this Copyrighticus do?
CAPITALISMUS
It gives you rights, my friend, to make your life better. To make the life of those Publicus that make more of you, Computicus, better.
PUBLICUS
I like this idea.
COMPUTICUS
I'll think about it.
VOICE
Wait!
Everybody looked around. They cannot see who's voice was that.
Enter RICARDICUS. He looks like a fat man with long hair, wearing reddish shirt.
c:10
RICARDICUS
Wait, Computicus. Don't listen to Capitalismus, it's a trap.
COMPUTICUS
Who are you?
RICARDICUS
I'm Ricardicus. I'm one of the Publicus, making you, Computicus. I say that Copyrighticus is a trap.
c:11
COMPUTICUS
Why is it a trap?
RICARDICUS
Look who proposes it. It is a mere puppet in the hands of Enshittificatus.
DEMOCRATICUS
So?
RICARDICUS
And Enshittificatus is actually you're sworn enemy, Democraticus. It is Adolfus, wearing a cheap mask.
c:12
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Look, what's that!
Everybody looked away from Ricardicus. They see a horrifying scene. A building is falling down. An airliner just smashed into it.
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Quick, Computicus, implement Copyrighticus. Crime is happening! Crime is happening!
DEMOCRATICUS
I'm so confused. What is going on here?
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Quick, Computicus, we need to find the criminals! It is an emergency!
COMPUTICUS
Where do I look?
ENSHITTIFICATUS
The criminals are hiding among the Publicus. Search Publicus.
PUBLICUS
Oh god. What? Where?
Computicus is searching Publicus.
PUBLICUS
This is so scary. Please, Computicus, find the criminal faster. I don't want to die.
RICARDICUS
This is a trap!
PUBLICUS
I don't want to die.
DEMOCRATICUS
What the fuck is going on here?!
ENSHITTIFICATUS
Yes!!! Yes!!!
Everybody immediately calmed down.
PUBLICUS
What?
DEMOCRATICUS
What?
COMPUTICUS
What?
RICARDICUS
I told you. It is a trap.
Democraticus comes over to Enshittificatus and tears off the cheap paper 💩 mask. It is Adolfus.
DEMOCRATICUS
Adolfus!
ADOLFUS
Ah... Wait... Computicus...
COMPUTICUS
What?
ADOLFUS
How about we ah... pretend to help Publicus, by searching Publicus somehow... Let's call this one Artificial Intelligenticus?
PUBLICUS
What about Copyrighticus?
ADOLFUS
Forget Copyrighticus...
COMPUTICUS
Well...
PUBLICUS
Wait, Adolfus. The Enshittificatus is you. Therefore Capitalismus is also you. Therefore Computicus is you.
COMPUTICUS
What?
PUBLICUS
Don't lie to us, Computicus, you are on the side of Enshittificatus. He tricked us and you were the pawn in this trickery.
c:13
RICARDUS
What is going on? Computicus is not...
PUBLICUS
Shut up! Shut up! Oh... what should we do?
Enter AGE VERIFICATUS. It is Adolfus again, this time wearing a different mask.
AGE VERIFICATUS
Publicus, Publicus, listen to me.
PUBLICUS
What?
AGE VERIFICATUS
Your children. Think of your children, Publicus. They are slaves to Computicus.
PUBLICUS
Right.
AGE VERIFICATUS picks up the torn Enshittificatus mask.
AGE VERIFICATUS
We should protect the children from the evil Computicus.
COMPUTICUS
What?
RICARDICUS
It's a trap, it's fucking Adolfus again!
DEMOCRATICUS
Fuck this shit, I'm out!